Just Trying to Find a Way

Getting a Weave

2011-12-23T13:35:00.000-06:00

Yea since this going natural thing is coming along, I've decided to switch things up and get a weave instead. Since my hair is short, I can't rock many hair styles like I thought I could in my head. I wanted the super curly, or corkscrew curls, but because my hair is short, it looks like a perm gone wrong. So, until the summer, I'm gonna try the weave thing so that my natural hair can grow through. I know my mother doesn't approve, I almost had to beg her to let me get a weave for Prom, so...whatever. In January, I'm just gonna get it done while my parents are off at work, and go get it done lol.

I look horrible...lol

Desperate for Love

2011-12-20T00:45:00.000-06:00

There is no one that I have a crush on and it's killing me how lonely I am. I've always been independent and I quickly got over boys for the exception of 2 that still have a hold on my heart, but I'm not clingy I guess. I've always been independent. But now, those walls are broken and it's difficult for me. Yea I can pretend to be strong, independent, and single for a while but for the past 4 years I've become too independent. I need for the right guy to come along. Now that I'm 18 and have no use for silly and immature high school boys, it's time to start looking for males that actually want a relationship. I am now ready to seriously look for a guy. But it's hard to find anyone out there. During my public schooling days, I was forced to see the same boys everyday and I was able to develop some type of relationship with the boy I liked at that time, but now, since I'm in college and I don't socialize with anyone and I don't see the same people all the time, it's hard for me to even develop a crush on someone. Sure there are a lot of guys that I thought were cute or "fine", but no one that I thought of actually talking to. I think the problem is that I've become so brainwashed by korean dramas. Reality isn't like tv shows. I won't magically fall in love with guy that I hate at first, or immediately fall for the guy that is my dream man. It's not like I have high expectations, it's just that I've become delusional. In Korean dramas, they have the perfect male. They fight for their woman, they care for them, they show that they care, and they aren't about "Money over hoes" and "Bitches and money that's all I need". That type of mentality. It's ridiculous. Korean men as far as I know based off these dramas,actually see that there is more to life. Unfortunately, here in America, there is no boy like that. All the good ones are taken, and they're a rare species that are hard to find now a days. It's horrible. Because I have these expectations that there is the perfect man out there for me, who happens to be Asian, has totally blindsighted me. Take for example, I am obssessed with Yoo Seungho. He's perfect as an actor and in reality. He is my ideal type. Because I only see him or I only want to find someone who is just like him, overshadows reality. But then once I start looking around, I realize that there is no one out there in America like that. And I honestly think I'm not supposed to find a husband. So I don't worry about it. I don't focus about my future with a boyfriend/husband. I don't think about wanting kids and having a family. I don't want to think of my parent's having grandchildren from their own daughter. I just look about my single future. But as much as I portray that outward, on the inside, I'm desperate for love.

Back Home for the Holidays!!

2011-12-18T22:04:00.000-06:00

I'm finally back home!!! I made it in Friday afternoon after driving 5 hours from Denton to Missouri City. I finished pretty good this year given my circumstances so that's good. I have so much to say about my roommate, but I'm done with her until January 16th so from her on out I don't know her lol. I finally get to take a break from school and the stresses of my stomach sort of. I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday so hopefully we can get the procedure done before Christmas but if not, that's ok too. Knowing that I'm back home and can finally figure out what's wrong with me makes me feel so much better. So, I probably won't write again until I get the results back or on Christmas Day if I have the time to. Not likely haha.

Just Chillen...

2011-12-03T16:48:00.000-06:00

Hey!!! I decided to write since it's gonna be my last stress free day until I go back home for Winter Break. I'm not doing anything all day...seriously. I'm still in my pj's, hair isn't done...I've done nothing. I don't really have much work to do because it's now finals time so the professors aren't really giving us much work to do. I have to do the Experential Exercise III, by myself since Brandon kicked me out and he hasn't contacted me since Wednesday of Thanksgiving Break, so I'm going solo. That's due Friday morning but I'm going to try to complete it tomorrow so that all I have to do is work on my reviews and study for finals. So today I'm just chillin. Nothing to do, since the weather is pretty bad. It's cold and rainy, but APPARENTLY TONIGHT THERE MIGHT BE 1-2 inches of snow!! Depending on the time, I might go out...maybe...since I have a cold that might not be a possibility haha. So all I've done all day was watch tv...I'm gonna try to catch a movie online before I skype with my friend so if I'm bored later on this week I will write again. Goodbye!!!

The Stress of the Past 2 weeks...

2011-11-28T19:11:00.000-06:00

I promised tha I would catch you up so here goes:
     On Wednesday November 16, I met up with Brandon to discuss how we were going to do the Experential Exercise. Prior to this I had been emailing Justin, because he said he was willing to work with us again (in the first project, he took himself out and didn't want to work with us for personal reasons). So I told him and Brandon that I was able to meet up Tues-Thurs of that week. Justin agreed that perhaps we could meet up after class on Wednesday. However, Brandon did not respond to the 'Tues-Thurs' email so I didn't worry about it. Plus I had an English exam to study for. So Wednesday morning, I was too busy worrying about my English exam and forgot everything I needed for my Marketing class. So once I was in Marketing, I noticed that Justin was not in the class. As usual. I have never seen Justin in class.....so I was like whatever, I guess we could meet up later. Howeveer, at the end of the class, me and Brandon met, and I told him that Justin has not come to class so let's just talk to Dr. Pelton about it. Pelton told us don't worry, just send me email saying Justin did not want to work with us and that me and Brandon should continue working together. So Brandon asked, "Do you want to just meet up now?" I said, "Sure." It did not occur to me that I did not have my Marketing book nor the notes required to answer the questions for the Experential Exercise. I pointed this out to Brandon and I could see he was getting upset. So I told him it's ok, I can look up everything online. But that wasn't making the situation better. Plus I told him that I did not read the entire chapter required but I also stated that I got the gist of it. It was about cars. Come on. So I was trying to look up what I could online, but Brandon wasn't having it so I told him, "Why don't I jusst go back to the dorm and I will give you what I have regarding the questions on the paper." He agreed and he was like, "I'm expecting something by 8pm tonight!" I told him no worries, I will start on it the minute I get back. And I did. However, I really could not answer some questions because it was difficult for me to understand, no matter what I did. I tried reading some more but that did not help. So I emailed Brandon what I had so far for Part 1. I told him that I know it's not completely finished but let me know if I'm on the right track. I also told him I was sorry about how I came unprepared. And I let it be. He emailed me back Thursday morning and this is where the drama begins. He said, "I could tell this isn't finished, your answers aren't well-developed. It needs more work. I'm still dissappointed about how you came unprepared and you didn't read the chapter." My heart SANK. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!! My answers aren't well developed?!!!! I was heated. And he kept bringing up the fact that I didn't read and was not prepared. That is besides the point now because I did the work!! So I said ok. I will work on it a little more tonight. I went to my Political Science class with the added stress. This triggered enormous stomach problems which basically shows signs of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. So I was mad that I was getting sick all of a sudden. So since he hasn't shown me anything yet, I told him, "Since you haven't shown me anything, I won't do it because we are a team. We can't compare answers if you don't want to work together." So I didn't work on it again. In the meantime, Justin has been emailing me saying that he is willing to work with us again so I emailed him a little of what I had on Friday. Plus I added more to it, mainly of Part Two and I sent it to him. In the back of my mind I thought that he could most likely steal what I have and turn in his work himself. But I trusted him. So I emailed Brandon the stuff that I added and he still wouldn't accept it, saying the same thing. So I told him on Saturday night that Justin will be working with us again. Brandon did not agree to this idea, but he said ok. I mainly put Justin back into the picture to save my butt. Because I wasn't meeting Brandon's "standards" I wanted to see if Justin could contribute so that we can end this foolishness, turn it in and get a good grade. Come Sunday night, I finally have my phone fixed so I can text Brandon. He basically kept saying make sure you get the work done and blah blah blah, so I told him that Justin said he would email you the work by Monday 4pm. Then he said that I am not taking this class seriously. Are you kidding me?? So I sent him an email explaining my situation on how I've been sick for the past 2 months and it's extremely difficult for me to cope. So I said goodbye because I had studying to do for my Archaeological exam the next day. So at this point, I'm hoping that Justin pulls through. Come Monday around 7pm:THE FEUD. Brandon sends me a text saying that Justin's work was not very good, it looked rushed and his answers weren't very thought out either. Then he said, "I'm just gonna turn this in myself because the problem is the lack of communication(Justin), lack of coming to class (Justin) and procrastination." I agreed with him and I felt bad. I replied saying I don't know why Justin has been MIA but he must have some good reason because he hasn't been dropped from the class. It still remains a mystery. Anyways, Brandon rounded on me now. He kept going with his rant stating that because of me not coming prepared for the meeting and not reading the chapter has caused him to get behind in whatever it is he was doing. HOL UP HOL UP HOL UP. What could he possibly be doing that would cause him to get behind? He is only taking one class. ONE CLASS!! I am taking 15 hours. I have wayyyyyyy more important things to worry about than worrying about you not getting an A. I feel like that was the main reason why he wouldn't accept my stiff, because he thought I wasn't capable of getting an A. Whatever, I can understand, but still, with all the extra credit oppurtunities, an A will be given at the end of the semester...So after I saw the text, I saw where this was going. He was going to throw me and Justin under the bus for no reason, and he finally said. After I kept begging him to see if he could just include our stuff, he gave me two options. He said either, "I turn in the paper with everyone's names on it, but I won't include you or Justin's work, or you can just go solo." WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I kept asking him, "Why is it so hard for you to accept my stuff??" But he wasn't listening. He kept repeating that I should just go solo. But for what???? The thing that got me sooooooooooooo upset was that Brandon said that he was going to tell Dr. Pelton that me and Justin did not do anything, WHAT THE ACTUAL BALLS??? That's lying!!!! He's making it sound like me and Justin did not contribute to the paper at all, but AT LEAST WE DID!!!! So I kept begging him and begging him to please accept what I have. I told him I would work on it some more and give it to him the next day which is the day it's due at 5pm. But Brandon said "No, I'm not doing it anymore, I've worked too hard. Honestly I finished in a couple of hours so you can too. I mean what am I to say my answers are better than yours?" BUT THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE SAYING!!!!! THE REASON WHY YOU WON'T TAKE MY PAPER IS BECAUSE MY ANSWERS ARE STUPID. The whole time I'm arguing with this boy, I'm giving my roommate the play by play lol. The reason why I didn't take his advice and just go solo is because, I really could not answer some of the questions. I even emailed Dr. Pelton but he didn't necessarily answer my concerns so I was freaking out. I had to save myself from getting thrown under the bus, so I kept begging him to take my paper. I told him that we can throw Justin under the bus, but just save me!!! I even said that if we get less than an A on the paper, I will stand up and say I did not contribute anything. But then I realized what would be the point in that? So Brandon of course kept saying no blah blah blah. So then I asked him how come I haven't seen what he has contributed??? I told him to email me what he had, that way I can either add to his statement or fill in what he didn't answer. Because we are a team. That's what team members do, we help each other. But he literally called me a cheater and a liar. He said, "Why would I do that? So that you can copy what I have and run off with it? It seems like Justin already did that so why don't you get it from him?" Harsh. He literally just called me a cheater. I'm not like that. That was not my intentions!!! I honestly can't believe he said that. The reason why I am willing to give Brandon a chance, a part from him being good-looking, is that we had a good connection the first time we met. It seemed like we could have a decent friendship and now all of a sudden, I couldn't wrap my head around how it got to this point?? How could I go from perhaps being his friend, to now being his enemy? I hated him on Monday. He wasn't willing to listen to anything I had said up to that point. I finally realized that Brandon has never listened to me. The day we walked away on Wednesday from the computer lab, was the moment that Brandon was never going to accept whatever I had. His mind was already made up. He was going to show no sympathy or empathy. He didn't listen, nor did he care. Once I came to that realization, I calmed down, and said ok. "We can go solo. I will explain the reason why I chose to go solo, it was for personal reasons." As long as he did not throw me under the bus. So, for 2 hours, I reconstructed the essay, and turned it in the next day. It was the best I could do.
     Last Wednsday: So after my long week of drama, I was finally able to relax. I had turned in all my assignments so the last thing I needed to worry about was my Research Paper for English which is due this Wednesday btw...oh dear. Anyways here's how my stress free Thanksgiving Break went:
     Tuesday: I went to Criminal Justice...turns out there was no reason to go. So. I went back to the dorm after class ended. My roommate was gone and I had nothing to do because I wasn't going to Political Science, especially since the notes are online. So I was able to get my parking permit for my car!!! Yay!! And I reserved a spot at the airport for my car, because my parents are bringing it up on Wednesday so that I can drive it back from the airport on Sunday. Yay. So all I had to do was think of a new topic for my research paper and get started on packing. Tuesday was a stress free day. It was great.
       Wednesday: I get to go home!!! FINALLL!!! But after I go to English...boo...I only went because I needed to talk to my professor about my essay topic and to see if she could give me the grammar book which she said she was going to give me. As I talked to her after class, she told me that my topic has to be different because we had already discussed it in class. My original topic was about the geocentric/heliocentric system in Dante's Paradiso but my Dr. Coffelt said that I couldn't really argue anything about it. So I changed it to Iago being a sociopath...but since we talked about that in class, Dr. Coffelt said no. Gr...Freaking out here....Anyways, my parents finally made it and picked me up at the dorm right when I arrived from class. THEY HAD MY CAR!!!!!! I finally got to reunite with my car. My wonderful Mazda3!!! I missed it so...I got to drive it to the airport...sadly. Then we were off to Houston!!!
      Thursday: Thanksgiving DAY!!! And my mother's birthday!!! We had regular Thanksgiving like we alwasys do (my grandparents were there btw, my uncle-mother's brother, had Thanksgiving dinner with us, then went back to his house to have Thanksgiving with 30 people lol). At night we went to the movies to see 'Tower Heist'. It was....eh.
     Black Friday: Woke up at 6am. Made it to Macy's by 7am. I got punched in the arm...alright. Next stop was Victoria's Secret, I got a dang $25 sweater which I am wearing at the moment. Then went over to where my brother, mother, and grandmother were shopping: Bath and Body Works lol. Then we left First Colony Mall and headed over to Stein Mart. Lol. Not my choice, but I did buy an eye mask which is to tight on my face...next stop: SAM MOON!!! I love that store, it has knock off purses and luggages and other random stuff. But it has good prices. I got a duffel bag, headbands, earrings, another cheap ihome system, belt. That's it I believe. Next THE OUTLET MALL!!! The main event of the day. It was sooooooooo crowded, people were parking in the grass, next to the curbs inside the parking lot which is illegal, and on top of mini cauldersacks or whatever they are called. RIDICULOUS!!!!!! So the first thing we did was eat. Lol. After that, my mom spotted the Coach store. We had to wait IN LINE OUTSIDE!!! The reason for this was because they were having a massive sale yet again. 80% off. So the purse I had was 50% and came up to about $125, then the extra 30% they were giving away to everyone in the store dropped the price even more, and I bought a $20 wallet/sqaure purse or whatever. For a total of $153. Boss. Of course my mother got the SAME purse as me lol. The first purse I bought back in June, she wanted it because the purse she had either was too big or wasn't big enough. It was like a tote, so she wanted to have the purse that I had so she had her eyes on that in the store for Black Friday, but then she saw the purse I had, and demanded that I get her one too....so we have the same purse lol. It's ok, I have a good sense of style, she realizes it at times. When my mother critiques me, majority of the time I failed lol, but over the summer I developed a better sense of taste according to her standards so she approves of alot of things I wear. ANYWAYS, I bought another purse and wallet for a great deal considering. Then we split our ways, I went over to Charlotte Russe and Forever 21 while Bryson and mommy went to Pacsun lol. My Momma Daisy(maternal grandmother) just sat out on the bench. She couldn't that kind of shopping lol. So Charlotte Russe never has anything that I really want to spend all my money on, I just buy a few things because it is never aas cheap as Forever 21. So I bought $20 jeans(never that price at Charlotte Russe regularly), a loose-fitting sweater in the clearance section, and a tank to go with it for like 7 dollars I can't remember. Then off to Forever 21. I had a lot of items I wanted to buy and I was so close to buying them, but then my mother sent a text saying, "Don't spend anymore. You need to pay for your books, gas, and your parking at the airport." Ugh. So I put like 3 items back...so I left with 3: Green Jacket for $15, jeans for $9, and a sweater for like $7 I can't remember so the total was $33 I believe. So I'm all set for now. The main thing that I reallllllllllllly want is an inexpensive leather jacket and I need to find a store that has one so I can add it to my wishlist for Christmas.
      Saturday: Did nothing, just chilled out. Watched the Bayou Classic Football game, 38th year I believe. It's between the two rival schools Grambling University and Southern University in Shreveport Lousiana which I where my my mom is from. She attended Grambling, while her brother attended Southen, and my Aunt Doris attended Southern as well. They have it every year in New Orleans and we used to go every other year prior to Hurrican Katrina, we haven't been back for that since then. The year Katrina hit, they had it in Houston so we went to that game. I recently went back to New Orleans on a band trip in April I believe...or May. My dad has gone for work related reasons so my mom and brother haven't been back yet. Anyways, watching the game is a family tradition. GRAMBLING WON 3 CONSECUTIVE YEARS!! Take that Southern!!!
     Sunday: Took the plane back home and I made it back to the dorm by 5pm
So that was my Thanksgiving break and the past two weeks in a nutshell. I have been to the doctor and I took some tests. There was nothing in my blood and no gallbladder or liver problems so I have to have the endoscopy and colonoscopy when I get back in Houston for Winter Break. It isn't bad, I can hold out for 3 more weeks. I've been doing pretty well prior to yesterday. When I'm not stressed, I have regular bowel movement flow, or I'm eating bread. So when I went home, I felt perfectly fine up until Saturday night. Now I'm kinda back to where I was before, but I believe I can keep fighting. I have been since September, 3 more weeks won't tear me down as much. Plus I have faith that we can finally diagnose whatever it is and I can receive whatever it is that I need to do in order to help me get better.
    I've pretty much caught you up on EVERYTHING!!! This is a ridiculously long post. But I decided that once I get better, and I start chasing my dreams, then I will delete everything that I have or just save on a Word document as a reminder of me overcoming my struggles. This has become to personal and once I let people have access to my site like friends and such, then I need to delete all the personal things. So. This week, I have to finish my research paper which is due Wednesday 8am. Then after that I take a slight chill pill this weekend. I have to do Experential Exercise 3 but I don't know if Brandon trusts me enough to want to work with me again so I might be doing everything by myself again. But this time it'll be much better. I got a 78 on Experential Exercise and right now I have 440 points out of a possible 500, so I'm not salty. I will do better. I just took the 3rd exam today and hopefully with this upcoming Exercise due next Thursday and the last extra credit, I will be able to have close to 500 at the end of the year. If not, I will take the final for this class. So, next week I will be studying for finals because finals is 2 weeks away. Yikes. I probably won't write again until perhaps this weekend if I end up going to H-Mart and hiking on a park trail, which I probably might do. Random, but I want to do it. So, until next time!!!!

So much to share!!

2011-11-22T16:32:00.000-06:00

I have soooooooooooooo much to share!!! It's ridiculous , there's been so much drama lately and I've been under a lot of stress but I can only take it one day at a time!! If I can finish my research paper by Saturday night, I promise I will type everything!!!

Thanksgiving Week

2011-11-20T14:59:00.000-06:00

Sorry I haven't been on here much. It's been a very stressful week and I haven't had the time to blog, and I still don't. Right now I'm taking a little break from studying. There is so much going on right now it's ridiculous. I have an exam tomorrow, my project for Marketing class is due and I have to add valuable comments to our discussion by Wednesday. On top of that, I have to seriously start and try to finish my research paper by Friday. It's due on November 30, but since Wednesday I start my Thanksgiving Break, I want it be stress free a little bit. Also, if I didn't do that good on my discussion paper for Criminal Justice, then I have to do a research paper for 10 points. I don't know if those points will be worth it on my final...but I'm worried. But because I really have to focus on this research paper for English, I'm gonna have to risk it and not do the extra credit. I'll just have to do brillaint on the final.
So, in a nutshell, I have a lot to do. I will let you know about my stomach situation when I have more to tell. When I have time when I get home, I will tell you everything that's been going on since November 13th. Until then, please pray for me whoever is reading this!!

I've lost track of the days...

2011-11-13T14:39:00.000-06:00

This week has been good for me, I have so much to share!!! I'll start with Monday: Monday: At night when I was crying, I realized the reason for my sufferings. For the past two months, I was constantly asking, "Why?" How, did I get to this point?" However, it didn't occur to me the reason for my afflictions. When I would reminiscence over how "happy" I was prior to August, basically my whole life, I was a complainer. I would cry and pray to God over petty things. Asking if He could stop my lonliness, or help me become a singer, or for me to have best friends and a boyfriend. I never really prayed for anything that was worth worrying about. I should've been asking God how do I become a better Christian. I realized that, I actually was happy, despite my situations. Compared to how I am now, I was a happy person for 18 years. I had a loving family, I did have friends, and I had the oppurtunity to learn how to sing, so why was I still asking for more?? Monday night, I realized how I was and then I started crying, because I was thanking God. I thanked God, for the first time, for my sufferings. I had to go through this sickness to realize how selfish I was before. I didn't know it, but I was a selfish person. So I thanked God for having me go through this, because if I didn't, I would still complain over stupid things and currently be a bumper-sticker Christian. I had to go through this in order to reach an epiphany, and become a better Christian. And I have become a better Christian. If someone asked me 8 months ago what my religious standpoint was in life and that I would be reading the Bible constantly and praying for healing now, I probably would not have believed that person. I honestly never thought I would be reading the Bible almost daily, not just because I was supposed to, but because I wanted to, because I wanted to seek the Word so that I could make it through. I'm proud of myself for making it this far with my faith. Even though I still sin, I have still become a better person. So I thanked God for showing me what I did have, compared to my current situation. There's no telling how long I'm going to keep suffering. I don't know how long I will have to put up with this, and I have learned to accept that I may not be how I used to be. I may be stuck like this forever, who knows. But I can no longer be negative about what happened to me, I can only be optimistic and try not to let it get to me, for I have things to do. Yes, I still cry about how I many not get better next semester and I still find it amazing how I'm going through all of this, but I've gotta keep moving on and have faith.
   Fast forward to Thursday: The day I had to register for classes for next semester. I had the perfect schedule Wednesday night, but of course Thursday morning there were problems. I didn't want to take Physics again because I suffered through that senior year, but I had to put it down because someone took the last seat in my Environmental Science class. However, I was able to get back in it, yay me. Next, I have to take a Visual/Performing Arts credit, so I'm taking Music in Human Imagination lol. Then I have to take World Literature for English part 2. I'm also taking another English class because since it's my major, I have to get all these hours out of the way. So it's American Literature lol, fun. Now, because I was unaware that I need to take a Math Placement test so I can take that one semester of Math. In the summer, I was told that because 1580/1581 is such a simple class, you can be in any level to take it, so I thought I didn't have to take the Accuplacer even though I was in Level 0. But no. In order to take 1580, you have to have scored a 63 on the Accuplacer, but I didn't, I scored a 25 lol. So I'm in 1581. The difference between 1580 and 1581 is that 1581 includes a lab, so it's a 4 hour credit. 1580 doesn't have a lab, it's just 3 hours. Sigh. So, I'm gonna try to retake the Accuplace and score higher so I can get into 1580 becuase my 1581 class is 8am, Mon, Wed, and Friday....I can't deal with anymore 8am classes because I'm suffering for it now lol. Hopefully I can do better. Plus, the Accuplacer was hard!!! I mean, it has been a long time since I've seen Pre-cal and trigonometry, so of course I would do bad on it. But whatever. If I still don't get a 63, then I have to deal. Another class I'm taking is a Voice class for non-music majors. I've missed singing. I haven't sung or blasted my vocals in 4 months...I miss it. So, I'm just gonna test my vocal ability and see if it's possible to minor in Music or pursue it altogether and change my major to Vocal Performance. However, that might be too diffucult because I would have to start all over again and the classes I'm taking now would go to waste. I may not even graduate in 4 years. So....
     Well, I went to this website that said workforstudents.com, however, I didn't know it was a Vector Marketing website to get students to work and sell knives and cutlery...honestly lol. My cousin did the job and I'm like, omg. I didn't know it was Vector Marketing until I filled out the mini application. So I decided that if I don't get a real job between now and after Thanksgiving break, I'll give this job a shot. However, I just got done talking with the woman and I have scheduled an acutal interview tomorrow at 7pm. See, tomorrow, I have a doctor's appointment unfortunately at 3:30pm at a location that requires driving....I don't know how long that appointment is going to last...and now I have to go to another location before 7pm to do an interview for a job I don't really want. But there must be a reason for this...I have to go the doctor, get some groceries, and dress in professional attire in the rain and attend this interview and fill out an actual application. Gosh...this is ridiculous. I told the woman that I wouldn't have time to work or go to an interview until after Thanksgiving because then I would have my own car. Ughhhh, I have to waste perhaps 60 dollars on another rental car for something so trivial. I don't have the time. Another problem is that I'm missing my Archaelogical class at 3:30 and this is a crucial week because we have an exam coming up, perhaps on Wednesday. I'm gonna need the notes for that following day...ugh!!! Stress!!! So I have to visit my professor to see if he can give me the notes for that day....but I also have to visit Dr. Coffelt, my English prof at that time to talk about my research paper. STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      I just need to make it through tomorrow lol, for it's gonna be a hectic day, honestly, I don't know how I'm gonna make it through...hopefully tomorrow is gonna be a good day, but I'm not sure how that's gonna pan out. It's supposed to be raining tomorrow...I don't have time to be running all around like that in the rain. I pray that God watches over me.
   Sorry for neglecting, but I haven't really had much time to share. But I will write again perhaps next weekend too. Or mayber over Thanksgiving break lol, for my schedule is pretty hectic now...

Day 11...

2011-11-04T22:38:00.000-05:00

Hey. Sorry I haven't been posting everyday, it's just that I would watch my new korean drama until 10:15 then have to take a shower and get to bed becuase my stomach would always bother me around that time. So, I didn't have the time to blog. Plus I wanted to return with good news but I don't have any...I'm still sick.    Monday and Tuesday I went to the gym to start out with the exercise regiment again...but right before I left to go to class, I looked on for the symptoms of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Everything applied to me so I had a breakdown when I got back from class. I cried hard. But I had to pull myself together and I went to the gym. Came back, broke down again. I've been feeling sick every night, I cry everyday...everynight. I'm at my lowest point. Every night I suffer. I dread going to bed because I know how uncomfurtable it's gonna get. First, my heart beats weird and it causes me to have a little panic attack. The annoying pounding goes on for 15-20 minutes. Then I start feeling sick. I can't turn or do anything because it upsets my stomach. So as I sit there in misery, I cry, begging for God to hear me. I'm searching Bible verses that will give me hope and encouragement. God has brought me through so much before, so why can't He bring me through now?? It's been since the 2nd week of September since I've been suffering on and off here. I'm tired. I don't get much sleep. I can barely stay awake in some of my classes. Sometimes I can't eat. Or when I do eat I feel sick right afterwards. I look at everyone around me and notice either how happy they are or how oblivious they are to situations like mines. Why am I the only one suffering?? I should be one of them, having a good time in college. But I'm not. I'm gonna remember for the rest of my life how much I suffered the first semester in college. I wonder if I'm ever gonna be the same again. This is affecting me so much emotionally. Today was the most I talked in a week... God shouldn't watch His daughter suffer like this so much...so why can't He heal me? I know He can. I have the faith. I believe in my praters because God has brought me through so much in my past. So why would he leave me now? I've cried for 5 days straight. I've never been this low before, now matter how I lonely I was. I don't know what to do...
     Monday at 1:30 I have an appointment with the referral nurse so that I can get the CT Scan done. I'm truly relying on this test to tell me that I don't have Irritable Bowel Syndrome or Ulceritis or anything else bad. I hope that whatever this condition is, it can go away. I just have to take medicine, and I will no longer be depressed. I want to be happy for Christmas. I don't want to tell my family members that I've suffered for too long. I want to be happy, I no longer want to feel sick and depressed and constantly have to tell my friends and family that I don't feel well. I don't know if there is an ending in sight. This is the hardest fight in my life. If I can get past this, I can surely make it through anything. No more crying in my dorm. The storm will eventually pass.
   The next time I check back with you, it will most likely be next Friday unless I have some reason to blog tomorrow. Hopefully next Friday, I will have some good news. Please pray for me as I cry and listen to gospel music.

Sorry...

2011-11-02T12:38:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't been blogging!! I'll explain everything on Friday, I promise. Right now, I'm going through alot of emotional strife and I've been really sick. Friday, I will catch you up on everything. For now, just pray for me...

Day 7...

2011-10-30T21:14:00.000-05:00

Today was a pretty good day, I did alot of productive things. First, lets start off with those laxatives. Man...by the time 11pm hit last night, I went to the bathroom every hour. I didn't get to sleep until about 3:30am lol, and then when I woke up, I had to let it all out again. So now, I'm pretty sure I'm back to normal. I was able to do the laundry however it took up all my money and time to do so lol. I memorized the bones in the human body(not all but the main ones) so I think I'll do pretty good on the quiz tomorrow. For Marketing, I had to watch 2 videos because I was so behind. The first one was Mischievous Ravi, and I didn't really get the point in that one lol, and then Never Perfect. Never Perfect was about how obsessed Asian are with getting double eyelid surgery. I already knew about the craze because I'm in the Korean world now(kpop, korean dramas, Jpop, Japanese dramas) so it was nothing new. It was an hour long documentary mainly following this woman who wanted to get the surgery but it also interviewed doctors and other Asians as well. While watching it, it dawned on me that Asians and Indians are never going to be accepted in Western society. Whites are inferior, we reluctantly accept Hispanics and Blacks, but Asians will never be fully accepted. So, Asians trying to get double-eyelid surgery to get rid of their ethnicity is just ridiculous...but I don't have the right to say that because it's a culture thing. For centuries(which I didn't know until the documentary) Asian women have be getting cosmetic procedures for the eyelids. I just thought it was a kpop thing because all the kpop idols get the surgery and make such a big deal out of it. But it's all over Asia. However, I can't call their fantasies stupid because I also want plastic surgery done. I want lighter skin because the world accepts light skin. No one wants to see someone darker than an orange. That's just how the world is. And I add to the cause when I am attracted to anything that is lighter than me. I've had crushes on Hispanics, Whites, Asians, and Light-skinned blacks/african-americans. For some reason, I have never really cared for someone my skin tone and darker. And I know that people want to see others with a fair complextion, like my mother. I would like to be my mother's color, because she has a fair complexion, as opposed to my dad who is dark. However, I like to think of myself as a hybrid because my hair, in the light, is an auburn color lol. The hair on my arms/legs and the hair on my head has an auburn color when in the light. So I think that's pretty cool. Alot of people who see are freaked out about it lol. But I still want lighter skin. And I want a lip reduction. I have realllllly big lips...and I hate it. I've always been made fun of because of them. Sometimes, I don't even want to look in the mirror because of them. When I meet new people, I suck them in or enclose them together so that people won't judge me off of my big lips. I also have a pretty big gap in my teeth. That is the MOST insecure thing I have of myself. In pictures, I hate smiling, because I hate looking at that gap. Sometimes when I laugh, I put my hand over my mouth because I don't want anyone to focus on the gap. Thankfully, I do have friends that overlook my appearance, but I also believe that's why I'm alone...it's because I'm ugly. So, the cosmetic procedures I want done are a lip reduction because it actually does cause me speech impediments, I realized that when I look in the mirror and speak or when I hear myself speak. I also want to close the gap in my front teeth. The rest of my teeth are perfect, PERFECT, but that stupid gap. I couldn't get braces because the dentist said that if I did, I would have really large front teeth, like a rabbit lol. So I want it taken care of surgically. I think I've had insecurities about my teeth ever since I was in 1st grade. Always. The topic on my weight, lips, and teeth, are weak points for me. And I hate it. At least I can change the weight, I just don't know why I haven't fixed it yet. BUT I'm GOING TO NOW....because I've got things to accomplish. Another reason why I don't really sing in front of people is because of the gap in my teeth. Like I said, the gap hurts more than being made fun of for the lips. So, I've gotta start feeling better about myself. I hate my height, I'm 5'1 forever. Sometimes, I believe that's a reason why I'm always forgotten, either that or it's because I'm ugly. But no one ever really pays attention to me...and I hate that too.
I'm 18 now. I can fix my lips and my teeth. I just need to find the money...and tell my parents. So, I need a job and save up for myself...then worry about the backlash. My family members don't poke fun at me except my brother Bryson but whatever. I can hear the complaints now. "Why Kenya? You were fine just the way you are!!" But they aren't living in my body. They don't have the insecurities I have. My mom is realllllllllyyy pretty, and I'm not just saying that because she is my mom. She was extremely thin before she had my brother, and she was gorgeous, not to mention light-skinned. Now, she's still pretty, but really overweight. My dad is alright lol. I have a aunt that I look alot alike, we both are short, big lips, gap in teeth. And I just wonder how come she didn't get it fixed...but that doesn't matter. If I'm faced between choosing the consequences that come with my dream or staying the way I am just because my family members say so, I'm gonna keep my dream. You've gotta have "the look" in order to make it into the entertainment business, and I'm willing to fix my face for it. It's not like it's a major procedure...lip reduction and closing the gap between my front teeth. Not a breast augmentation(I've got a good size, C pushing to a D), botox(it'll look bad 40 years from now), fixing nose size(I don't like my nose size b/c it's pretty big, but nose surgeries NEVER LOOK GOOD ON ANYONE, I don't care what you say). So, I'm not actually changing my appearance....but at the same time, I want to be the first to represent for all the girls in the world with big noses, big lips, and a gap in the teeth...but that's just not gonna happen. I've gotta appeal to the good-looking and the unattractive looking people too...
Anyways, I've kinda felt good today. Better than this past week. Tomorrow, I'm gonna have to cancel the colonoscopy becuase I don't think I need it, I thing my problem resides in the stomach area. I think I have acid reflux and the opposite of acid reflux lol, seriously. So I'm just gonna request a CAT SCAN and see if they can diagnose whatever the problem is then. I think I can fix the constipation by taking Fiber supplements and eating healthier, therefore, I've gotta so vegan, or at least during the day. Breakfast will be Raisin Bran, lunch and dinner will be Maple Hall...ugh.. but if that's what it takes to feel better, then I gotta do it. I also have to workout everyday...ugh, but if that's what I gotta do, I'll do it. Well, here's to another week of my journey. See ya tomorrow, God willing!!

Day 6...

2011-10-29T23:39:00.000-05:00

Well, today was a good day. I didn't do much after I last shared with you except sit around, eat, try to watch Paranormal Activity and Skype with one of my best friend's. I've tried the laxative and it has run it's course. I was able to go to the bathroom like twice so, it wasn't that bad. But I'm still doubting whether or not this will end anything....like I'll feel fine for a couple of days then I'm back at the doctor's office still questioning what is wrong....will I ever feel normal??? I feel a dampening in my happiness today...we'll see a couple of days from now. For now, we get back to the regular flow of things, as in I start back exercising, and now I might have to actually go vegan and eat at Maple Hall(all vegan cafeteria). If that's what it takes to make me fully get better, then I'll do it, and then some. I just want to return to my regular state, but who knows. Maybe, since I've waited this long and it continuously growed, I won't be able to heal it.....but tomorrow is another day. Today I finally got to smile upon myself so I've gotta do laundry, work with my partner for my Marketing class, and learn all the bones in the human body by 11am Monday. So, I've gotta busy day for myself, not to mention cleaning the room and returning it back to normal before my roommate gets back. Whatever lol. Well, keep praying for me, I'll get through this, even if it may be chronic constipation...

New Hairstyle!!!

2011-10-29T13:58:00.000-05:00

I succeeded in making my hair curly!! So excited!!!! Finally!!! It's been a long time coming, but we here now baby!!! It's gonna take alot of getting used to, I've gotta get used to the stares, the questioning, and maintenance. But it'll all be worth it in the end. I also feel alot better right now, I just got back from my trip to the Dollar Store, I was able to get my laxatives and other things...so now I wait. I have faith, although I'm kinda worried about how it's gonna affect my stomach, but it's a risk I gotta take. I gotta stop this now before it gets worse. So, now I wait. Anyways, here's the new hairstyle:

Day 5...

2011-10-29T00:35:00.000-05:00

So today, I felt alot better, like I haven't felt this good in a week. I was able to get up and go to English, didn't feel sick all day until around 8pm. I was in a good mood, had high spirits. I found out that I got a 89 on my Criminal Justice exam WOOOOOO, YAYYYY!!! I knew I did good, but I didn't know I did THAT good. So I felt good all day. Tonight I decided to try out my curly hair do again but this time, instead of twisting it regularly like I did last week, I did two-strand twists, so we shall see the outcome tomorrow morning....PLEASE LET IT COME OUT CURLYYYYY!!! So, I did a video chat with my parents, and they suggested alot of things. 1) They didn't agree to me having the colonoscopy alone, they would rather one of them be there because it is a tough procedure. 2)They are gonna call the doctor up on Monday because they feel they should be a part of this process, because they are still my parents, even though I'm an adult now. I can sign important documents without their consent. 3)They suggested I have the procedure done back at home in Missouri City around the Christmas Break because it is hard to find people who are able to pick me up. 4) THE MOST IMPORTANT SUGGESTION THAT I THINK MIGHT SOLVE MY PROBLEMS: My dad suggested that I take a laxative. At first I was like, "No, no, I don't need anymore problems with my stomach, what's the point. The doctors didn't suggest a laxative but rather anti-depressants." But then after we finished our chat session, it dawned on me. What if Daddy is right?? Because I looked up how to get rid of constipation, and the problems and symptoms that come along with it, and it seems like I qualify. I mean, I could still actually have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, but what if it's just chronic constipation and now I need to finally take the steps into getting rid of it??? So, tomorrow, I'm putting this plan into notion. I will take a laxative tomorrow and Sunday, and just see how it goes. If I end up still feeling sick again, then I need to actually have a CAT SCAN done to see what it is. I mean, I'm pretty sure it's just constipation gone wrong, or it could actually be Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Who knows, never know until you try. So tomorrow, I gotta walk to the Dollar Store...ugh, see if they have laxatives, if not... I gotta take the stinking bus to Walmart. Ugh. Seems like tomorrow is gonna be another adventure!!!
Is this an answer God?? Can it all end this weekend?? Can I release the months of pain and suffering?? Was all of this just a test of my faith?? Did I pass lol?? Man...I have hope again, I can really end this by the weekend? Or this fails...what if I feel ok for a couple of days, then I'm back at it again...what if it is Crohn's Disease? What if it is a peptic ulcer? What if it is Irritable Bowel Syndrome? What if I feel sick again a week later, because I've had moments of relief, and then I have another relapse...but at the same time, I've never tried this plan before. The be all end all. Is this the light God??????????????????? I can end it all...I can end this without the colonoscopy...I can end this without worrying anymore...Dear God, I want to end this long suffering and get back to how I felt before.....I'm ready....to end this.....

Day 4...

2011-10-27T22:19:00.000-05:00

Today, I had to let the tears fall. I had been holding them in all week, and now, I finally cried. Last night it was extremely difficult to get to sleep, I was feeling sick again, like the time when I first thought I had h.pylori....except this was worse. I was shivering, I had horrible stomach aches, I felt pain in the anus area and the vaginal area sort of, I felt a sort of leaking so I knew there was gonna be a vaginal discharge..overall I was just uncomfartable. But I went to sleep at around midnight. Thankfully. I unfortunately had to wake up today to take my criminal justice exam even though I knew I was gonna be pretty sick at around 8am, but I made it anyway. Turns out I wasn't feeling that bad and by the time 8 rolled around I was feeling well enough to take the test. I finished the exam in 30 minutes (YAY, it was easier than I thought, but that means nothing) and went back to my dorm. I was trying to decide whether or not I was gonna go to my political science class, but all we were gonna do was watch a movie so I stayed. I slept for a while, then once I knew my roommate was gone, I started crying. Before she left she said, "Bye Kenya, hope you feel better." I was responded with a bye, laughed, and 10 seconds later I started crying. I couldn't help it. There are so many people who want me to get better, but I can't. So I cried. I can't let these people down,so I have to get better....
   Anyways, a couple of hours later when it was time to go pick up the rental car, it was raining and cold outside. I wish I had gotten the bigger umbrella, and I wish I had brought my rainboots...but no. Ughhh. So I had to walk to Maple Street and look for the rental car. But I had no clue exactly where my location was gonna be. Hertz just said to go to 1200 Maple Street so I did. Eventually I found these cars that were parked on the side of the street and I saw the "Hertz Connect" sign. I figured out how to get in the car, 15 seconds later I went, "OH CRAP! PARALLEL PARKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" I can't parallel park.....oh dear. So I called my dad, and so since I had enough space to get out, I figured I could do that without hitting the car in front of me. However, I didn't know how to actually make the car move. Because I hadn't driven a car in 4 months, my driver's skills went out the window. It didn't occur to me that car was not actually on, it was in chill mode. But I didn't know this till later, so I thought it was the car's steering wheel fault, so I called the Hertz people and they let me get in the Camry in front of me. Thank goodness, because there was no car in front of that one so I was able to pull out brillaintly, after I figured out how to start the car. Sighhhh. Waste of time. Anyways, the doctor's appointment:
     So I finally got to the doctor's office after much searching, and now here's the verdict: Since I told him that medications no longer work for me, we decided on having a colonoscopy done next friday at 9:30 am. Oh dear. The preparations for that is no joke. The drink I have to take the night before and the day of the procedure will give me the runs. I think I just won't go to English that day. That means I have to go to English tomorrow.......bleh. Man. I never thought it would come to this, or rather, I wish I had figured this out sooner in the summer, but everything happens for a reason. The main problem I'm stressing out about is that I have to find someone to pick me up after the procedure, even though, after the anesthia wears off, I could just walk to the bus stop and go back to the dorm since it's at the Texas Presbyterian Hospital which I've already gone to 3 times, and I walked on 2 occassions sooooooooooooooo....So far, if Katherine or Susan, or Ryan or whoever doesn't pull through for me, I'm gonna have to get Rebecca my roommate to pick me up in the rental car or through one of her friends and have them take me. Like I said, it's just a 5min drive. No biggie. Then wait a week or two for results so I'm gonna have to suffer through another week until finally I know the actaul verdict. So we're getting closer, we are getting closer. Although, I wish they could just let me know the results right then and there, but whatever. I now know how to take the rental car to his office.
So. It's gonna be another week of suffering, but I've alread made it this far so there's no point in looking at this negatively. Let's just see how things pan out.
    After I left the doctor, I went to the mall since I had enough time before I had to return the car, bought a few things, got food from Burger King, then went back to return it. Thankfully, NONE OF THE OTHER CARS WERE THERE so I didn't have to parallel park. GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME AND ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD. So, I should be alright. Tomorrow, if I'm feeling up to it, I wll be restarting my exercise regimen, so don't fret, I will get back on my path, it's just now, I'v driven off course. Stay tuned for more, and pray for me!!!

Day 3

2011-10-26T17:16:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling sick allllllll day. I couldn't go to the gym because of it, so hopefully I can resume my exercising either on Friday or the weekend. I've been feeling so sick in my stomach. I just don't know what to do. I've been taking the medicine that the doctor prescribed but I still feel bad. I shouldn't be feeling sick all day. Thankfully, tomorrow I am going to the doctor so hopefully, he will properly diagnose me. I am feeling so bad right now, it's hard for me to do things. On Monday, I had the abdominal cramps throughout my english class but because of the medicine I was able to feel better. Tuesday, in the morning, it was extremely difficult for me to eat because I didn't feel wel, but I did eat. Then at night I took one of the pills that doctor here prescribed and it did not help, so when I laid down to go to sleep, I wasn't feeling very good. Then this morning, I wasn't feeling good, but I was able to eat. However, I felt bad throughout English. I was counting down the time so I could hurry up and get out. I began to feel better when I went to my Marketing class, however when I got back to the dorm, I started feeling sick again. So, I took some of the medicine, along with Excedrin Tension headache medicine, and ate some shrimp. Bad idea. So of course I ended up felling sick, but I had to study for my exam. It was hard doing so, but I made it to class. I wasn't feeling well at all by the time I actually had the exam in my hand, but as I went by, I was able to concetrate more on the test and sort of forget about my stomach. However, of course I started feeling bad again as I handed in my test, and now here I am. I feel sick now, but there's nothing I can do. I don't know whether or not to take more medicine, but at the same time, I need to feel better, because I have to study for my next exam which I take at 8am tomorrow. Unfortunately, I won't be feeling well while taking the exam, so I don't know what I'll do. It's ridiculous, but I gotta push through. Last night, I went to a bible study that I regurlarly go to on campus in this Christian ministry, and the lesson spoke right to me. Following Jesus is not going to guarantee a life full of happiness. Even though it's not good to consistently say that, "God is testing me", but for this situation, I think he is. I think that God knew that I would end up in this situation where my faith would be questioned. For some reason, God brought me to these group of people so that I could become a better Christian. Since I am starting to take up my cross and crucify my sins, I am hit with this problem in my life. God knew that if I hadn't joined this campus ministry and reproclaim myself as a true Christian, I might have lost my mind and gone into depression. God knew that I was gonna need him. And with this idea, I still have faith, even though there is a part of me that is willing to give up and end it all. In all my 18 years of life, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Looking back on eveyrthing, as I would sit in Sunday School, my teachers would always say that, "You are gonna face some difficult times, if you haven't already," I had never faced anything truly difficult except perhaps when I was emotionally going through things in my early teen years. But that doesn't compare to this. My faith is truly being tested. I can either fall or rise to the occassion. God never gives us things that we can't handle, therefore, I know that I can make it through this, unless I end up dying tomorrow. I've been through alot of medical problems ever since I was a baby, starting with ear surgery, having my pinkie smashed, running into a wall and having to wear a cast on my arm for a week, messing up at piano recitals, clarinet auditions and regionals, food-related illnesses, having some type of blister on my thigh that resulted in me having to press on it to make the pus come out, being sick where I ate to much cake and my stomach was unhappy about it, throwing up, monthly periods, migraines...I've been through it all...so I can certainly make it through this. Even though this is lasting longer than all the things I've listed combined, I believe that I can make it through. I'm strong. I feel bad about complaining about this because there are far more worse things than this. People have cancer, lost a limb, died, starving, virus, parasites living in them. So even though it's hard for me to press on everyday, I still press on. My roommate has a back problem or she doesn't get enough sleep and misses school, yet I still have my period, feel sick to the core, had no sleep either because of it, and I still go to school. I still go to class, I still aim for good grades. I don't turn to drugs to ease my pain. Instead, I turn to God to ease my pain.
This is extremely difficult for me, but I still push through it all, because God has a plan for me. Whether that involves me dying from this sickness, or I make it through the trials and tribulations, God still has a plan for me. I can't give up and unless it's my time to go. I still have dreams that need to come through. I have family members and friends, hoping that I make it through this...so I can't let them down. Yes there are moments when I am really depressed and I have no hope, but then I realize that I just have to make it over this mountain, because Jesus said that this path was not going to be easy. I'm glad I went to that study last night. God made me go so that I could have a better outlook on this situation. I want to get to the point where I can finally say, if it had not been for the Lord who was on my side. I want to look back on this event a year from now and say, "Thank God." And if I do have a stomach problem for life, then I have to live through it. It may take a while for me to get to a better place and not be bitter about it, but since this is the path I'm supposed to take, then this is it. A year ago, I never would've thought. Six months ago, I never would've thought. But there's no point in me dwelling over that. I can't change anything. I can't rewind time I can only press forward. So pray for me whoever is reading this, even if it's just only me reading it. I want to be able to look back on this blog perhaps if I ever get better, and reminiscence over emotions I was going through. It's hard for me to hold back the tears, I feel like crying everyday...but that's not gonna change anything. Since I no longer have an actual diary that I used to write from, venting my problems out on this blog makes me feel slightly better since I can't confess exactly what I'm feeling to everyone. But please have faith in me. I will get better, for God already knows how this is gonna end. God already has it taken care of , so I might as well praise Him in advance. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to report back on the diagnosis and hopefully it's good news. But for now as we wait, just pray for me.

Day 2...

2011-10-25T19:07:00.000-05:00

I went to the gym today again!! All I did was run a mile on the treadmill, worked on my arms just a tad bit, worked on abs, then did something that's like the eliptical backwards. It works the back of the thighs. Anyways, I reluctantly made it through. This morning I felt pretty sick in the stomach, so it was hard for me to eat breakfast, but as the day went by, I felt better. I know that I won't ever be back to normal. I don't know I keep having hope. I'm just in self-denial. I wanna believe that I can eat what I want and not have to worry about the consequences it will bring later on night. But it looks like I'm cursed with this for life. I just wanna know WHAT WENT WRONG? How do I go from stressing out about going to college, to all of a sudden at the end of June, actually be concerned with my health. What happened?? How did it happen? How did me stop taking my birth control randomly spiral things out of control?? Apparently, the birth control is no longer effecting me and perhaps it had nothing to do with my stomach problems, but how is that possible. Just 2 days after I stopped taking the medicine, everything went wrong. My life changed. I started having hotflashes, passed out on a plane, shivering randomly, apple juice triggering my heart and shivering problems. How does that happen?? If I had known that I would be in this mess now hating myself, I would have never taken the birth control pill. I would have never sufferend multiple migrains, hot flashes, this stomach problem whatever is. I would have said no. But I wanted to get rid of my cramps. So I took it. I wish I had known. That's what I tell myself everyday when I feel sick. I wish I should've known. But I didn't. I took the risk at alterating my body. And now I suffer the consequences. Eventually I'll get in a better place. To be honest, visting the stomach doctor Thursday is my last hope. I'm waiting for him to properly diagnose me and tell me that everything will be fine. I want to hear him say, "It's just a viscious bacteria infection that will go away with a couple weeks of antibiotics, then you should be back to normal Kenya. Just watch what you eat." That's what I'm hoping to hear. Not, "It's a stomach acid problem. You have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. You have ulcers in your stomach. This will never go away, your stomach will never be healed. You've got it for life. It will come and go." No. I want it gone now, otherwise I don't think I'll have enough strength to even consider becoming a singer. How did this happen. Why did this happen? And why can't it go away...Sorry this was such a long post, I felt I needed to say my feelings. I still have hope. I've gotta have hope....but I'm afraid things will never be the same for me. I believe this is the end....if that's the case, what's the point in going on this journey??? But for now, let's keep trying and have faith in God. That's all I can do. Pray with faith.

Day 1

2011-10-24T21:40:00.000-05:00

My day didn't start off that good because I had HORRIBLE abdominal cramps, side effects from the medication I'm taking now. So I had to suffer through English and when I got back to the dorm, I fortunately had stomach cramps medicine. However it makes you pretty sleepy and it made me sick in stomach,but the pain went away. Anyways, school was normal. English, Arch lab, Arch class. I was able to go to the gym!!! Since I've been extremely out of shape and hadn't done Zumba in a month, I had a hard time. First I did the bike thing for 2 miles, then ran around the track to make a mile. At first I was gonna do 2 miles but just completeing one lap was too much for me. I felt sick at moments and wanted to give up, but I didn't. I made it. That's all for today, tomorrow is the same routine, only hopefully I don't feel bad in my stomach. Come take this journey with me!!

Officially Starting the Journey Towards Success

2011-10-23T22:14:00.000-05:00

Sorry I didn't blog yesterday...I hung out with my parents and stayed at their hotel after the game, which by the way, WE WON!! We are now 3-5. If things go well this week, we might actually have a chance at moving up in our conference! After the game we went out to eat at Texas Roadhouse. The thing that dissappointed me was that I couldn't pick the foods that I normally like to eat because of my sickness. So I had a hard time choosing from the menu, but I ended up with a grilled chicken sandwich and fries which was pretty good. After that we went back to the hotel and went to sleep. Woke up, went shopping at Bed Bath and Beyond, then Walmart, came back to the dorm, I quickly put up my roommates' weed pictures, and waited for her return. Still waiting for her but whatever. I knew she wouldn't come back today, but who knows. She will most likely come back at like 2am. Typical. Let me stop talking about her because I'm turning over a new leaf tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day I begin. The first thing on my list that I have to accomplis is lose 50 pounds or reach a point where I'm satisfied with my weight. Let's see how that goes. I'm gonna give you the play by play on everything, whether it's me losing weight, tests, or just how my day went in general. Wish me luck, and come take this journey with me. Meet me here tomorrow at around the same time shall we?

Homecoming Day!!!

2011-10-22T12:40:00.001-05:00

Today's the game for Homecoming!!! We play againgst Louisiana-Monroe, we'll see how that pans out. I'm excited for my parents to get here...I wanted to surprise them with my new hairstyle but obviously that didn't come out right so I quickly straingtened it back to normal lol. Here's to an exciting day!!

Failed Attempt

2011-10-22T11:45:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to go for a new look since I'm officially going natural. I wanted the kinky, curly look, however I kinda new it would be impossible on the first attempt since my hair has been permed for 14 years lol. But I tried. Well, I followed the instructions however I think my hair might have been too saturated because I put in a leave-in conditioner, instead of simply doing it while I was in the shower. Mistake #1. The other mistake I think I made was when I put the Coconut Hair Twist Milk in, I didn't put in all the way to my roots, and I didn't twist it well. Looking at the picture for the example, it doesn't exactly portray the same image. So, I think that's why my hair came out...weird lol. Some parts of my hair was kinda curly, but not all of it. Mainly the top wasn't curly, some parts of my hair was crinkled and what not. Whatever. I think I can successfully make it happen if I twist my hair correctly, so I'm gonna try again tonight and see what happens lol. If I fail again, I'm gonna wait until Thanksgiving to try. This picture is after I combed my hair out lol, sorry I look horrible, I just woke up lol:

Homecoming at UNT...

2011-10-21T19:22:00.000-05:00

So this week, we had a bunch of festivities and the only one I went to was the Greek Stepshow. I almost talked myself out of it, but I'm soooo glad I went. It was live, I wish I had videos of everyone's performances, but I don't have a camera unfortunately. I had no one to share it with, so I was lonely. But alot of people made funny comments so I was definitely laughing it up. The boys were summertime fine. I seriously wanted to get chose.....lol. Anyways, that's what happened last night. Today, currently going on right now, is the Spirit March to Victory hall. As we walk, apparently they are giving us candy and as we reach Victory, there's supposed to be a bonfire(not this year), entertainment(booths I guess), oppurtunities to win free things, and "Yell Like Hell" which is like a spirit contest. I wanted to go to the "Yell Like Hell" but I've got too much to do here at the dorm. So. Plus, Lord willing, I have 3 more homecomings to go to, so....Tomorrow is the homecoming game, my parents will be here at around noon or so and we attend the game. Then they leave Sunday and I won't physically see them again until Thanksgiving. So, I'm being anti-social because I have to clean my side of the room, cover my roommate's pictures or take them down all together, wash my hair and officially go natural, and catch up to all my shows by like 1am haha. Tomorrow I won't have time. Also I have midterms next week, quizzes to take etc, its alot so I need to prepare. Sorry for ranting. So that's pretty much how I spent my first homecoming week as a freshmen at UNT.

Just Getting Started

2011-10-21T18:31:00.000-05:00

I'm here on campus, at my dorm, all alone. My roommate is gone, my real friends aren't here, my family is back home in Missouri City, nothing to do. It's homecoming week, yay!!! But I'm not having much fun. I don't really have too many friends here, but that's ok. It'll change eventually. Instead of me cleaning my side of the room and trying to hide the fact that my roommate has pictures of indications that she smokes weed and going off to be social with the homecoming parade, I am making a blog. I don't know why I'm just now creating one. I love to write, so why don't I just blog about it. I already have a tumblr, but that's not really my blog. This is where thing's get personal. On this blog, I will post what interesting thing happened, or if I need to just vent about something that particular day. I have so much to share and quite frankly I don't care if anyone cares or not. I already know that no one will really pay attention to this blog, but that's ok, I'm not here for them. But someone out there does care so I'll blog. Haha. I really made this blog so I can post my journey on becoming an international superstar. I don't know if that will ever happen, but I gotta try somewhere. So here goes, I leave for lift off on Monday October 24, 2011. Come take the journey with me...